Prologue
Love - what
is it? Does it exist on earth? Or is it just self-deception, the fruit of an
inflamed mind, and the justification of one's desires?
And the
soul? Where is it? Is this also the fruit of an inflamed imagination?..
Although no, it exists. After all, if it does not exist, then what hurts so
much inside? Why is it so hard?
And what is
all this?.. Everything that happens in his life .... Everything is so strange
that it does not resemble reality ...
Toyami
watched the lights of
Only now he
was analyzing everything that had happened during those days. He tried to
understand himself: in what was happening to him, in what he felt, in what he
sensed ...
Quiet light
sadness mixed up inside him with the pain of parting. Heaviness from the
realization of one's own inability to protect and save from all this evil world
the dearest to him creation. How hard it is to understand that you are not able
to influence anything ...
The only
thing he can do is stand like this and look at the city of their love from a
bird's eye view and feel how his heart shrinks from the feeling of emptiness
...
"Kai,
I love you. And you never said those words, you never answered me, you never
revealed your feelings. You just accepted my love and favorably allowed me to
be with you. But this is a lot, too much to suffocate now with happiness and
awareness of what happened between us. You finally recognized my love, did not
drive me away, did not push me away. Not! You let me love you. And even if it
is only such a small thing, but I knew that the path to you would not be easy.
I consciously followed this path, drawing strength from the flames that I see.
I go to this flame, it beckons me, and I am ready to burn in it, giving you all
of myself.
My love, I
will always be with you."
Toyami
walked away from the window, exhaustedly sank into a chair, looking with
unseeing eyes in front of him. He had never wanted to go back there to the war
as much as now. He was pushed by the realization that the one he loves was
there, and that he should be next to him. Let them be separated by kilometers,
but he must be with him on that earth, in that hell, and protect the most
valuable of all that he has found in this world - his love.
Chapter 1
I hide my
love for you at the bottom of my soul,
But still,
I can't hide it
It seeps
through everything
And people
notice
And they
even ask: "What are you sad about?"
Saigyō
Hōshi
***
Spring on
this earth passed unnoticed. Here there is no rapid flowering of gardens, fresh
greenery, and the first shoots of young foliage. There are only stones, dust,
and the scorching sun. That is why no one noticed the transition of spring into
summer, just as Kai did not notice it, having plunged into military life, which
did not give him time for abstract thoughts and unnecessary memories.
Although
sometimes memories overtook him, and then he became thoughtful and detached.
Everyone noticed this strange change in him when he returned to the garrison.
His friends
knew exactly the essence of this phenomenon. They caught him talking on the
phone in French several times, and this once again confirmed their guesses. The
name "Beatrice" they heard now too often in his speech. Sebastian was
sincerely happy for his friend and when Kai said that he was going to Kamrat
for three days of leave, Sebastian and everyone immediately bombarded him with
questions about her. Therefore, Kai told them that Beatrice got married, but
they continued to meet.
Sebastian
took Kai by the elbow and led him out into the yard, away from prying ears.
"Why?"
he looked into Kai's eyes.
"What
"Why"?"
"Don't
tell me she has chosen you over another."
"You're
talking about this..." Kai looked aloof into the distance. "What can
I offer her? Is this the life?" he glanced around at his surroundings.
Sebastian
understood this too. He turned Kai back to him.
"Are
you very worried about this, because she has married someone else?"
"I
knew this and did nothing to prevent it," Kai turned away from Sebastian
again. "I’m happy for her."
"You
know, it’s not bad if you just have a relationship."
"Yes,
I think so too."
"But
you look so strange all this time," Sebastian again tried to look into
Kai’s eyes. "I understand that it was hard for you to find out about this.
Do you love her?"
"Sebastian,
please… can we stop talking about this?" Kai hid his eyes and felt that he
could no longer endure his friend's sincere concern and deceive him about what
was really happening to him.
"Sorry,
I thought it would be easier for you if you talked to someone about this. You
carry everything within you. I can see how hard it is for you ... well, I won't
talk about it anymore," Sebastian showed his hand towards the entrance to
the room. "Let's go."
***
The next
day, Kai was supposed to go to Beatrice. Her husband had come to Kamrat with
her on business, and she would be on her own these days, as Mr. Winfrey was
leaving Kamrat to look at the plant site. All this Beatrice happily told Kai,
and Kai honestly told his friends about it. They were happy, genuinely happy
for him. He saw this, and from this, he became even more disgusted and vile in
his soul. Now he was deceiving not only himself, but he was also deceiving
everyone! And he deceived Beatrice, and even if their relationship did not have
a future, he still felt vile and low towards her. She was not in his soul, no
matter how hard he tried to find her there. But the vilest thing was that he
deceived his friends - seeing their sincere joy, he hid his eyes and tried to
turn the conversation to other topics. Sebastian chalked it up to his shyness,
but it wasn't like that at all. Kai felt like a traitor to them. After all, he
allowed in himself a feeling that contradicts all their laws and concepts, all
the principles of their life. In his soul, there was only Toyami, only he and
no one else. He thought about him, remembered everything that was then between
them and what was not. He lived with these memories, this fairy tale, this
quiet, bright joy of finding the one who filled his life and warmed his lonely
heart in his arms.
These hugs
- he even now felt their warmth and how good and calm he felt in them, how
could Toyami, hugging him, fence him off from this whole cruel world, with
which he had been alone all this time. Kai found with him what he had been
looking for for so long, he found what filled him, filled the void. He found
his second self. He found himself. And it didn’t matter that now they were not
together, it seemed to him that he was near, that the man's hands were on his
shoulders, and this made him feel so good that he felt fear from the happiness
that overwhelmed him. After all, this could not be...
And then
came the cruel reality - it's wrong! He cannot fall in love with a man... Then
Kai fell out of a state of light euphoria and fell into a severe depression
It's good
that in his life there was no time to sit and be depressed.
Throughout
the spring, preparations were underway for a large-scale summer campaign to
clear the
All this
time he regularly called Toyami, but it was rarely possible to chat with him,
since Kai spent most of his time on the road, and he did not take the phone
there. But when Toyami managed to catch him in the garrison, they talked for a
long time about everything and nothing. After such conversations, Kai seemed to
grow wings, he came to life and flew above the ground, and then... fell into
depression again.
All the
guys treated him with understanding and sympathized with his mental suffering
for Beatrice. And they were just happy that, finally, Beatrice flew to Kamrat
and they would meet.
Having
received a lot of friendly-vulgar instructions from all the bros, Kai went to
the city to meet her.
He drove,
trying not to think about who he was after all this. And even half the way to
the city he succeeded, but then the thought of Prokhor accidentally arose ...
Kai slammed
on the brakes and pulled to the side of the road. He buries his face into the
steering wheel. He had never felt so bad before.
"Prokhor,
my friend. I can't lose you! For me, you are the only person on earth who has
always been with me, you have replaced my family. But if you find out about
me…"
Kai
clutched the steering wheel with his fingers, trying to switch the mental pain
to physical pain.
Of course,
Prokhor said that he would accept anyone, but he was talking about rape ... and
now something completely different is happening.
He imagined
Prokhor's face and how he turned away from him in disgust, and all his boys
throw terrible words in his face about who he was now ...
Kai grabbed
the steering wheel again. So he sat for a very long time until it began to get
dark. Then he found a water bottle under the car seat. After drinking water,
the guy felt relieved. He never came up with anything concrete in his thoughts.
All this only led to more confusion and chaos in his head.
He pulled
himself together and drove to the hotel to pick up Beatrice. Deciding that ...
And again he realized that he had not decided anything. He just went to her,
knowing that she was waiting for him.
***
The company
of Beatrice had a beneficial effect on him. With her, he forgot everything.
After picking her up from the hotel, they went to his apartment in Kamrat. A
long time ago, he decided to rent a house here, as he came to the city quite
often and did not want to deny himself a comfortable stay. Especially since the
money allowed it. Therefore, he rented a very expensive apartment in a modern
building in a fashionable part of the city. The apartment was huge - with
several bedrooms, bathrooms, a large guest room, and a huge kitchen. Its
condition was looked after by the butler hired by him, who, accordingly, was
engaged in the control of cleaning, filling the refrigerator and bar, and
everything else about the house. Kai did not delve into this, he simply
expressed his wishes and paid for their fulfillment.
He warned
the butler about his arrival in advance, so when they entered the apartment,
they saw in the living room a set table for dinner, flowers, and lighted
candles.
But they
started dinner later, at first they didn’t have time to eat. They couldn't even
make it to the bedroom. Spreading the clothes torn from each other on the way
to her, they fell on the sofa and there enjoyed each other. Only after
satisfying their first hunger and taking a bath together, which was as huge and
luxurious as the whole apartment, did they go to the supper table that was
waiting for them.
For three
days they did not leave this apartment. It was crazy when time merged into one
stream of passion. Although no, during this time they not only tried all kinds
of ways to satisfy their desires, they also talked a lot, watched TV, just lay
in bed in each other's company.
The butler
regularly took care of their food, while doing it very correctly, so that they
did not even run into the servants who cleaned the food and re-set the table.
Kai and
Beatrice forgot about everything. She filled his thoughts with herself, erasing
all sorrows and doubts from his memory.
***
They lay on
the bed, resting after another passionate torture. Beatrice sat up, looking at
him.
"We
didn't talk about it..."
"About
what?" Kai knew what she wanted to say.
"That
I've married Winfrey."
"I
read about it in the press."
Beatrice
was silent, and so was Kai. He had nothing to say to her. She broke down first.
"You
know, if you wanted to ... said then ... we could ... I wanted ... I love
you."
"You
don't have to say that."
"But
why?"
"I
can't give you what he gives you. My life does not belong to me. I serve and
follow orders. I will be in this war for as long as those, for whom I work,
consider it to be necessary," Kai looked into her eyes. "How can I
offer you anything? To give you this kind of life..."
Kai got up
from the bed, wrapped the towel around his hips, went to the window, and lit a
cigarette.
"I'm
glad you found someone who lets you live the life you want."
"But I
don't love him! I love you…"
Kai turned
to the window.
"Sorry…
I can’t reciprocate…"
Beatrice,
too, was silent for a long time, then, getting up from the bed, naked
approached him and hugged him from behind with her graceful arms.
"Thanks
for being honest with me. I'm a grown girl and I'll get through this. I am glad
that we talked about it and now there are no omissions between us. Let's just
leave it as it is, shall we? I don't want to lose you... will you be with
me?"
"Yes,"
Kai turned around and met her eyes.
"I
will come here when I can, and we will meet."
"I'll
wait for you."
Beatrice
smiled, knowing that he did not love her, but she was too good with him. He was
her outlet in the world of the ideal life that Winfrey offered her. But in that
tasteless life, there were no feelings, passions, madness.
All this
was given to her by this young man with emerald eyes. She accepted her fate and
rejoiced in everything that she gave her. So now, with all her passion, she
clung to his scarlet lips, swollen from her kisses, and threw off the towel
from his hips.
Her kisses
were passionate and hot, she enjoyed every moment of touching him. Slightly
moving away from his lips, she, continuing to look into the green of his eyes,
began to slowly kneel in front of him, continuing to caress his body with her
hands. Then she absorbed his flesh.
Kai groaned
and leaned his buttocks on the windowsill. He enjoyed her passionate impulse
and what she gave him.
***
Saying
goodbye to Beatrice and putting her in a taxi, Kai drove towards the garrison.
He had to drive through the whole city to get on the road he needed.
It was the
middle of the day. The sun heated the asphalt and mercilessly burned all living
things. But the people who inhabited this city got used to its hot rays.
Therefore, despite the sun, the traffic on the streets did not decrease, but,
on the contrary, revived. In a huge traffic flow, one could see any make and
model of cars - from the most modern and expensive models to such wrecked ones
that it seemed that they crumbled right on the go. But the exotic traffic flow
was not limited to this. Here you could also see ordinary wagons pulled by
donkeys or unfortunate old nags, which, like many centuries ago, were carrying
some kind of junk, it is not clear where and why. In this single living river
flowing down the street, the past flowed into the present, and then just as imperceptibly
disappeared.
And now,
standing in a traffic jam, which was barely advancing, to the right of Kai,
such a cart with greenery, harnessed by an imperturbable donkey, was also
moving slowly. The calmness of the donkey could be envied. After all, traffic
lights practically did not work in this city, the traffic here was regulated by
its participants themselves, resorting to gestures, signs, continuous shouts,
and constant horn signals. The noise was unimaginable. In such traffic without
rules, usually, foreigners could not ride. Only those who had lived here for a
long time drove cars themselves, while the rest preferred to take local
drivers. Kai, on the other hand, liked it. He, despite the density of the flow,
managed to drive here quite quickly, which surprised even local professional
drivers. But now something happened ahead, because of this, a rather impressive
traffic jam of cars and carts formed.
Kai closed
the window and turned on the air conditioner. The only thing left for him is to
admire the surrounding landscape.
The houses
on both sides of the street were low, mostly five-story buildings. It was a
poor quarter, people of average income lived here. The houses were of unpainted
gray brick, soaked in the same gray layer of dust. Clothes were drying on the
balconies. Those who did not have a balcony stretched ropes from window to
window and hung on them some rags of unimaginable color and incomprehensible
meaning. In stark contrast to all this, there were satellite television dishes
mounted on rooftops or attached to the wall.
This city
was full of contrasts. Only here one could see both poverty and luxury
literally nearby, war and peaceful life... The city was huge and ancient, like
the world.
Kai finally
managed to get past the traffic jam, and now, driving and listening to music,
he admired the grandeur of the city. There were different areas. Some slums
were located on the outskirts of the old city. There, people lived in
dilapidated buildings of unknown age or simply in tombs - burrows that remained
from the old burial chambers. It was a scary part of the city. Only those who
lived there went there, others bypassed the area as far as possible.
The old
city was located in the eastern part. It was the most exotic place. The center
of the city was occupied by the old bazaar - a real oriental bazaar, huge,
noisy, and full of bright fabrics and exotic attire of the merchants
themselves. Its dimensions were huge, it seemed to him there was no end and
edge. There you could wander for a very long time, looking for a way out.
There were
also areas in this city where very rich citizens lived. In such areas, one
could see the interweaving of oriental luxury with the achievements of modern
progress.
Kai liked
to just watch the life of the city from the car window. He enjoyed
contemplating the world around him, and whether it was modern buildings or the
shacks of the poor, everything was beautiful for him, everything had its beauty
and perfection.
He was
brought out of this state of contemplation by a phone call. They called from
the center. He had to cross paths with their man for an urgent assignment.
He had to
drag himself again through the entire city center with its traffic jams and
midday heat to meet the agent at the agreed place.
The meeting
was arranged in one of the small restaurants in a busy part of the city. Kai
was sitting at the table and slowly sipping mineral water. The agent was late,
but when he finally arrived, he sat down at the table and immediately moved on
to the essence of the work.
As it
turned out, a sniper named Mustafa had appeared in the Al-Zaqawi group
operating in the area. Most likely, this sniper was trained in a good foreign
school and transferred here to work. Several influential politicians and a
couple of allied army generals had already been killed with his rifle. Kai had
orders to remove the sniper. In this regard, his return to the garrison was
delayed while he remained in the city. Three people were given to help him, who
were supposed to provide him with work and cover.
Having said
all this, the agent left, Kai finished his mineral water and went to the
indicated address to meet with the people who were supposed to work with him.
Before
meeting with his three partners, Kai stopped by to change into camouflage at
his apartment and took his sniper rifle. Now he was ready to work, realizing
that it could drag on for several days, and maybe more. Kai did not even doubt
that such a sniper was carefully guarded, and it would certainly be quite
difficult to approach him within a shot distance.
The people
who were supposed to work with him were waiting in the barracks at the
headquarters, located in the western part of the city.
He passed
through the checkpoint into the protected area and was escorted to the barracks
where he was expected.
The first
person he saw was Methodius - the same guy from the "old-timers" from
the base of the airfield.
"Look,
who's here!" he gritted through his teeth, "What wind brought you
here?"
"Lot
of wind up here," Kai was not happy with this meeting. It was now clearly
redundant.
"We've
also been brought here," Mifodiy looked at him appraisingly. "We are
waiting for one asshole here to cover his ass while he is working."
"Are
you a sniper cover?" Kai already understood who he would have to work
with.
"Well,
we ... Are you a sniper?" Ivan got up from the bed and walked over to
them.
"Yes,
I am a sniper. What information do you have about the object?"
"Didn’t
they teach you how to say hello?" Methodius continued to examine Kai.
"Maybe
we can get to work?" Kai had already resigned himself to the unhappy
thought that he would have to work with these and wanted to start as soon as
possible in order to finish as soon as possible.
"So,
they didn’t teach ... sit down, now we’ll tell you what we have."
Mifodiy
pointed to the bed and, seeing that Kai sat down on it, took out a map of the
city.
Then they
told Kai about the information received during these days about the movement of
the sniper and their assumption that tonight he would be near one of the famous
restaurants since significant people from the political elite of the country
should be walking there.
Despite the
bad reviews about him and their recent behavior, Kai appreciated that the guys
had worked professionally and had now developed a plan for a night raid in a
very reasonable and detailed way.
Kai decided
to trust them. They discussed the places of each on the plan of buildings and
went to the exit.
They drove
to the restaurant by Kai's car. Mifodiy sat down on the right in front, Ivan
and Alexey - behind. All the way they admired his car and stuffed it with
equipment in it, and Kai calmly answered their questions about all this.
The car was
left two blocks before the object, then they acted according to plan.
At night
they began to move along the dark streets, then moved to the roofs. The houses
were so close that it was not difficult to jump from one to another.
Closer to
the object, each went to his position. They identified for Kai the most
advantageous one for a sniper, positioned themselves to see both him and the
object, realizing that Mustafa would be covered by his guards, which they soon
spotted.
It was good
news - it means they were not mistaken: since there is a guard, Mustafa will be
there too.
The sniper
was waiting for a long time. The tension was unreal. Kai scanned every inch of
rooftops and buildings through the peephole of his scope to pinpoint his hiding
place.
The guests
from the restaurant already began to leave, and Kai still had not found a
sniper, however, like his guys, with whom he spoke on the radio.
At the
moment the main guests left, Kai saw the reflection of optical sight. He aimed,
but he also was spotted. They opened fire on him. The guys began to cover him,
turning the fire on themselves. Since everyone fired from rifles with a
silencer, the people leaving the restaurant did not notice anything unusual.
Kai
switched hideouts since it had already been revealed and took aim. But Mustafa
left.
The patrons
of the restaurant calmly got into their armored vehicles and drove away. It
became clear that Mustafa would no longer shoot today. Now it was necessary to
understand: when?
To control
the security of the general, presumably, whom Mustafa wanted to remove, Kai and
the guys quickly packed up and returned to the car, drove to his house in
another part of the city. They managed to arrive there in advance, before the
arrival of the general. But Mustafa did not appear here.
So, after
spending time before dawn on the roofs of one of the houses, they began to
discuss the further alleged actions of the sniper.
Soon,
Alexey, having traced the route of the general's movement and intercepted the
negotiations of his guards, learned that the general would arrive at the
embassy in the afternoon. Having quickly collected all the equipment and
weapons, they returned to the car.
Having
reached the place, the car was again left a quarter away, they reached the
rooftops and the most convenient location in terms of visibility. They spent
half a day on the roof, roasting under the scorching rays of the midday sun and
languishing from the heat. But Mustafa was not there. This was reported by
Alexey and Ivan, who were monitoring the situation. Mifodiy, on the other hand,
made sure that another sniper did not get close to Kai, while Kai himself
watched the embassy.
So they
hunted for Mustafa for another three days, moving around the city. They slept
in turn in the same place, in combat positions, replacing each other. They also
ate there. Usually, Ivan ran to local shops for food, but with such heat during
the day, he didn't feel like eating at all, only at night.
One night,
after a quick snack, the guys went to their points. Kai began to look through
the night vision binoculars of the roofs of houses. Mifodiy was sitting next to
him, checking his machine gun.
"Do
you want to smoke?" Mifodiy handed Kai cigarettes.
All this
time they did not communicate, only briefly and to the point.
"Yes,
very much."
Kai lowered
himself behind the concrete railing and turned to face him. They rarely smoked
now - they could detect smoke or a cigarette light. Mifodiy covered it so that
this light could not be seen, and waved his hand, scattering the smoke.
After
smoking, it became easier. Kai leaned back against the concrete railing wearily.
All the jumping on the rooftops, the midday heat, and the sleepless nights were
exhausting, as was, of course, the sheer stress of the task and the fact that
they, too, might be hunted.
"Are
you offended with us, or something, for that guy?" Kai guessed what
Mifodiy was asking.
"Not.
I have no time to be offended. But I do not like it when people assert
themselves at the expense of the weak."
"You
know, you're right ... But I've been here for more than a year and I've already
understood: either you - them, or they - you. That is why I've united the guys
around me. I'm tired to fight alone with such morons.
"And
you became like that yourself."
Mifodiy was
not offended by Kai's words, he simply looked at him studying him.
"Tell
me, why don't they pity you?" he
turned the conversation to a question that was of concern to him. "You
flew like a clockwork, now you have been roasting on the roofs with us for many
days. Are you a contractor? Do you earn money?"
"Yes,
I do. Go to your point, otherwise, we'll let Mustafa through," Kai, again
leaning out a little from behind the concrete fence, began to look through
binoculars.
Mifodiy
realized that the conversation was over. That's just about working under a
contract for money, for some reason he did not believe Kai.
